Dead Faith Alive Again (Journal of Faith, Love and Suffering, #3)

While I was growing up, I believed in God, the Father. But I remember learning how to pray and saying: "In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." I didn't know what that meant. What did it mean by "the Son?" I thought the Father was the Holy Spirit, so why am I saying that twice?
I had, like so many others, heard His name spoken many times. I didn't truly learn about Jesus Christ – what He accomplished on the cross and His Word – until much later on. There were times after I learned about His son where I only believed in the Father. I fell into the trap of thinking that Jesus wasn't God, because how could God be a human? I went so far occasionally to doubt the existence of God altogether.
While I was a child, and before my teenage years, I spent many nights in bed praying. I would tell Him I loved Him and I'm sure I said all sorts of things you probably shouldn't say to Him. I vividly remember telling Him that I would wait for Him forever. I also asked Him if I could "merge" with Him, having no knowledge of being united with Him in the Holy Spirit.
As I got into my teenage years, I fell away from praying. Trouble began brewing in my life that was eating up all my attention, and I mostly forgot about Him to my own shame. I paid a heavy price for all those years I felt alone (not that He ever left me).
And then I entered adulthood, and even more trouble began brewing. So much so that I began looking for the only solution I could find. I stuck with it for a while – having no true knowledge of what it meant to be faithful. Yes, I read some of the Bible up to that point. Yes, I was praying to Him sometimes and asking for help. Yes, I was slightly heading back in the right direction. The problem then became that my troubles were outstripping my ability to grasp them with my weak and newfound faith. So, I fell away again, over and over... and my problems only got worse from there. There was a period of time when I believed that even God couldn't solve my problems or help me with them. I called Him evil, I insulted His character, I mocked Him and His servants. I was on a bad path, and I thought I had gone as low as you can go. I was loveless.
Fast-forward a few years, and an even bigger calamity hit me that told me it was time for a change. This time, I would truly turn to Him and try to listen to what He had to say (hear Him). I began reading the Bible with others and taking it to heart. I began earnestly praying again. I started doing what my grandpa used to do and tell people about Jesus Christ's love. I began to rekindle love within my own heart and soul – with the help of God.
What about today? Is my life perfect? Far from it. Am I still struggling in trials and hardship? Every day. But Christ is in my life now, and I am willing to suffer with Him. God chose this life for me; one where I would come to realize that He is all I need. He granted me belief in His Son and cultivated spiritual blessings through my troubles.
These are the journals of someone who has faith, love, and suffering to share with others.